It may be time for me to take a dating break again. After one date.
I’m kidding (kinda), but I did get the opportunity to do a lot of reflection after this experience. So much so that I was incredibly excited to go home and write about it.
I have a habit that I think a lot of people can relate to. I have the tendency to fall for people’s potential rather than who they actually are. It’s a tough habit to break.
In dating, I find myself always looking at the big picture. I have never been the type to date for the short term or have relationships that I didn’t find meaningful. In a way, I have always been dating for marriage. But when you get in that mindset, meeting someone can easily transform in my head from a simple conversation about goals and values into wondering what a future would look like with one another.
Now, I am not completely crazy. I don’t immediately go from meeting someone to choosing out our white picket fence house, but I do like to consider what it would be like to spend time with that person. Is this someone I could bring on vacations, to events, or around family and friends?
I have mentioned over and over again on this page that I have built a life I really enjoy. So when I meet someone who piques my interest, I immediately try to determine whether or not that person could fit into those scenarios.
What I fail to remember sometimes is that, of course, a partner should fit into my life. Of course, they should want to spend time with me and go to events. That’s what a good partner would do, because they want to spend time with you.
I shouldn’t need to try and mold them into this piece of my life. The right partner will fit there naturally.
This is an incredibly long-winded way to say that I met someone I had a genuinely good conversation with, so I agreed to go out on a date.
The date was not a good experience.
From the moment I sat down, I just felt extremely uncomfortable, which is actually not normally how I feel on first dates.
I can be a pretty extroverted person when I need to be, and that has always worked really well for me on dates. I find that I can have really engaging conversations with my dates, and I never have too many lulls or awkward moments.
This date was not that.
For some reason, I felt like I was carrying the entirety of the conversation. I was asking the questions, I was trying to connect his stories with things in my own life. I was talking about work, my friends, my family, and he was just kind of there.
I have truly never had a date where there were just long minutes of not speaking at all. And it put my body into fight-or-flight mode.
Truly, I began to have a physical reaction.
I’ve been known to have some anxious reactions to situations in my life. Embarrassment has always been one of those situations that causes me a ton of anxiety. This date had gone so far outside of my normal comfort level that my legs were shaking.
I was uncomfortable, I was embarrassed, and the most frustrating part was that I could not even explain why I felt so embarrassed in the first place.
Finally, the check came, and I offered to split the bill. I have never once in my life been taken up on splitting the bill, but I do offer.
We went to pay our separate checks, a whopping $26 apiece, and I kid you not, my credit card declined.
Now, I have also mentioned on this page that I’m a bit of a spender. I love a good shopping moment. But I do strictly manage my credit cards now that I’m older. And I knew the exact amount that was on this credit card. $26 was nowhere near the limit.
Not only that, on the way to the date, I actually made a purchase with the exact same card. Went through perfectly fine.
So, it declines. That’s embarrassing. I run it again. It declines again.
Great, this has already been an incredibly uncomfortable hour. Let me try another.
I pull out my debit card. The debit card that’s connected to my Capital One banking app. The app I check every single morning after getting out of bed.
I know the exact amount that’s in my account at all times. There was MORE than enough to cover my $26 dinner bill.
It declines.
At this point, my leg trembling has gone from being only in my lower extremities to my entire body. Because now I’m not only uncomfortable due to the situation, I’m kind of panicking over my cards.
My date decides to pick up my $26, thankfully! Or I was going to be stuck washing dishes or something…
We finally leave the date, walk separately to our vehicles, and I pull out the same card to pay for the parking garage.
It goes through with no problem.
Unbelievable.
Sometimes the universe really just wants to slap you in the face. Sometimes it’s much more subtle.
The moral of the story is not that I had a bad date. The moral of the story isn’t even that I had a bad date and should never date again. It just feels that way tonight.
The true moral of the story is this. It’s okay to have certain expectations of what you’re looking for in a partner. And it’s okay to branch out every now and again while you’re dating and trying to navigate this incredibly hard dynamic of finding a partner. What isn’t okay is falling for somebody’s potential instead of who they show you they are.
In this case, I had a really good conversation with somebody. I liked that we had similar interests and similar viewpoints on things. In my experience over the last few years, I haven’t had a lot of luck meeting people who have similar values to mine. I think I got really excited about that fact.
When I take a step back from the situation, I realize that there was a lot about this person that I was not looking for in a partner. And it’s absolutely okay that I went on this date anyways. This is not me saying that if somebody doesn’t check every single box after your first conversation, you should never go out on a date with them. You absolutely can explore a new connection and figure out if this is somebody you would want to see for a second date.
What you don’t need to do is feel like you owe anybody a date just because you had one good conversation. And in my case, this is what I did.
I had known from the moment I agreed to see this person again that I had reservations. It’s not that he had done anything wrong, per se, but I just think that there were certain pieces of our lives that were incredibly different from one another.
Where I got myself into a tough situation was that I had spent two hours at a dating event talking to this person. Like I said, we had a really good talk. I am a huge reader, and writing is very important in my life. This was somebody who also enjoyed creative writing and read their own types of stories. We seemed to have similar viewpoints on politics and modern family structures. It was really nice to hear from someone in Arizona who also wasn’t sure that they wanted kids because of the current state of the country and what it might look like in 50 years.
That was such a different experience for me because, on previous dates, I have had men talk about us having kids within the very first hour. I wish I was exaggerating here.
Overall, I hadn’t had a genuine conversation with a man in a really long time. Not one that I felt was engaging and piqued my interest. This person had.
So when he asked for my number, I felt obligated to give it to him and see him again because of the time we had just spent getting to know one another. I felt like I owed the situation that level of respect.
This is where I made my mistake.
If it were anyone else in my shoes, my sister, my close friends, or any girl coming to me for advice, honestly, I would’ve told them that you do not owe anyone anything. Especially not your time and your energy. I preach that repeatedly to those around me.
But when it came time for me to stand behind my own viewpoint, I was unable to.
I had reservations about how a date would go with this person. And unfortunately, I was correct.
Sometimes not wanting something is enough of a reason not to pursue it.
Please don’t ever forget that.
Although I was uncomfortable, embarrassed, and a little bit shaky, it was all a good learning experience. I got to immediately come home and reflect on the whole situation.
This is not to say, either, that there was anything wrong with the person I went out on a date with. We just didn’t click.
I hope that, because of the date, he learned something about what he’s looking for in the future as well!
So if you’re out there trying to navigate this part-time job that is dating in the modern world, I hope you always remember to stay true to yourself.
And if your card declines, blame the universe, not your bank account.
All my love,
Kaitlin
