Let’s talk about being a strong, independent woman.
I’m sure we all know someone who is in a relationship with a person they don’t even seem to like. Maybe it’s a friend, a family member, or a neighbor. Maybe it’s you.
I know plenty. And in fact, I was one of those people for many years.
I made the financial mistake of believing a man meant what he said. Someone I was in a relationship with sat my parents and me down at a nice dinner and asked to marry me. Unfortunately, I took him at his word and thought he meant he wanted to marry me. So when we bought a house together only a few months later, I never thought I would be in the position of separating and selling that house.
Now, this is not a conversation about the right and wrong of home purchasing, but this is a conversation about what my relationship turned into.
Three months after purchasing our “dream home,” which just so happened to be my CHILDHOOD home, a house I was incredibly excited to make our own, my partner decided he wasn’t interested in the relationship anymore.
Devastating, at the time, to say the least. I went from having my entire life planned out to being completely single on a Monday afternoon. No room for discussion.
It was the best thing to ever happen to me.
Truly.
My ex got an apartment in the city, and I stayed in the house by myself. I spent every moment and every extra dollar I had working on making my house my dream home. I rediscovered reading as an adult, got into therapy, and started working out and writing.
Ten months after my ex left, his lease was up, and he wanted to move back in.
Shocking.
From the moment he came back, the dynamic was different. I realized I didn’t care. I didn’t care what he was doing or what he thought. I didn’t care that I was no longer attracted to him or willing to be intimate.
We became roommates. And had I not finally gained the courage to end this situation and leave, we would have split bills for the rest of our lives.
Truly. We would have remained exactly how we were forever because it did not matter to him how unhappy I was.
My reasons for staying so long with this person came down to one VERY specific factor. He made more money than I did, and we were splitting bills. Everything was 50/50.
I realized in 2024 that I could not take it anymore. I had that absolutely sickening realization that if I continued down this path, I would die in that house due to my own mental health. It was the first and only time in my life I had ever considered harming myself that way, and it completely woke me up.
Now, this is not a post to say leaving your toxic relationship will fix your mental health crisis. There were a lot of compounding factors that went into changing my life and finding my happiness. This is to say that staying in a house because it financially makes the most sense cannot be your ONLY factor in staying.
In my case, it was all we had left.
Making the decision that I would rather work two jobs than split another bill was not easy. But I did it. I worked my full-time career while picking up an evening job just so I could pay every single bill on my own, and he could get the fuck out.
It was embarrassing at first. I struggled with it. I was 28 years old and had worked the same corporate America job for four years. I had a house and a car, but I still needed the extra income to do it all.
But I got over the embarrassment. Rather quickly, actually. Because every day when I returned home to that five-bedroom house I was maintaining, to the yard and the pets I was taking care of, I was proving to myself that I could do it.
And I wasn’t just changing my finances. I was changing my body. I went back to my natural hair color, started working on my style, and was working out every day, hitting 10,000 steps minimum. I lost 40 pounds from October, when my ex had moved out, to the next time I would see him in person in February.
I was no longer the same person who had left him. I was better, and I had grown in a way I never knew I needed to.
I used to think financial security meant having someone to split the bills with. Now I think it means knowing I can take care of myself, even when doing so costs more.
With no help at all, I sold our house all on my own in March of 2025. I made the decision to not only leave the city I grew up in, but leave the state.
And leave I did, a whole 1,700 miles away.
I’ve now been in Arizona for a year, and truly, I love it. I rent a townhouse with my sister, and I absolutely adore our space. Taking care of it, hanging pictures on the wall, laying by the pool, walking through our neighborhood, it all makes me incredibly happy every single day.
And the thing is, this house really is my home. It’s my furniture, my routines, and all the little things I’ve collected and created to make it feel like me. I love the life I’ve built here, and I don’t want to give it up simply because living somewhere else might make more financial sense.
So, now that my sister is leaving next year to return to Minnesota, I’ll have to make some changes.
Double what I used to pay for my mortgage can be a tough pill to swallow. My travel and shopping budget may have just shrunk a little bit… Or maybe it won’t!
I don’t know for sure yet.
But I do know I’m staying.
What I also know is how capable and strong I am. I know that I will show up for myself because I have proved it, time and time again.
And if you take anything away from this post, I hope it is that. It is okay to choose yourself. That “roommate” you have does not need to define your life.
We get such a short amount of time, and I would hate to see anyone waste another moment like I had. A relationship should ALWAYS add to your life, not take away from it. And in my personal opinion, if the only thing keeping you together is the financial convenience of splitting bills, you have to ask yourself what you’re actually building.
So next summer, when I lose my best friend back to the Great White North, I know that I will miss her. But I also know I will be so incredibly okay every day on my own. And I am looking forward to another chapter where my biggest supporter is myself.
Three thousand dollars a month might sound like a lot to pay for a townhouse. But I’ve learned that the cost of a home and the cost of staying somewhere you aren’t happy are two very different things.
And I think that’s pretty special.
So if you’re out there with a roommate of your own, just know you’re not alone. And I am rooting for you too.
All my love,
Kaitlin
