Do you ever scroll past a TikTok thirst trap and just try and convince yourself that it’s AI? Because there’s no way somebody is out there looking like that in real life. Well, that’s pretty much my entire For You Page after 9 PM.
But here’s my problem: men are so hot, but I cannot stand them in real life.
This is not to sound stuck up or like I am bragging, but I do have men who try to get my attention all the time. On every social media platform, including my LinkedIn, there’s a man in my DMs trying to start a conversation. And from the moment that I get the first notification, I want to actually throw my phone out the window.
I think I’ve been single for so long that I no longer remember how to communicate in a relationship. Right now, every conversation feels like a struggle to actually try to participate in. Even when the person on the other end of the conversation seems like a really nice guy, I find myself completely drained even before I have hit send.
I’ve talked about in this blog already how I am a recovering romantic, and I do go through periods where I am lonely and wish I had a partner. So I guess I am just expecting that partner to show up at my front door and never want to have a text conversation with me… Is this avoidance?
I’ll explain a couple of the issues I’m having with these conversations. The first issue I always have when men approach me on social media is that I don’t talk about dating on my profile at all. Men make the assumption immediately that I am single, which in itself is not what makes me mad. What I don’t like is that you looked at my profile, assumed that I am single, and assumed that I also wanted you to proposition me for a date. That is the part that I don’t like.
A perfect example of this is back in February.
In another lifetime, this could have been the beginning of a romantic comedy. Two strangers meet on a plane, somehow end up on the same return flight, and one tracks down the other because he just can’t stop thinking about her.
Except this wasn’t a romantic comedy. This was my LinkedIn inbox.
The story goes like this.
I had just gotten promoted the week before and was going to my first national sales meeting. I was super excited but also in my mysterious girl era because I was going to read Wuthering Heights the entire time we flew to Dallas.
For the first time in my life, someone I actually found attractive was in the seat next to me. Aisle 8, you did your girl a solid. Of course, though, we didn’t talk the entire flight. Granted, he was working on his iPad and I was reading my book, but semantics. We got off the flight and went our separate ways, and I didn’t think I would ever see him again. Two days later, we ended up being on the exact same flight home, and I actually spoke up and talked to him. Nothing crazy, not even that long of a conversation. But I was really proud I had even started one.
However, throughout this conversation, I never once gave him my name. I do think I mentioned my company because I was in town for a work event. But I honestly can’t even be sure.
Two days after the flight, I got a LinkedIn request, and it just happened to be from this exact same man. I was so utterly shocked that he had gotten my full name, but he seemed nice, so I didn’t think too much of it. A few weeks went by, and he actually messaged me on LinkedIn and asked if he could have my number. Immediately, I just didn’t love it. Again, I thought it was really rude that he had looked at my profile and automatically made the assumption that I was looking to start texting someone.
This is a LinkedIn profile. For all he knew, I could’ve been married. He never once asked.
He texted me a day later and ended up being one of those people who sends a lot of selfies and uses a ton of emojis. Maybe this is me being harsh, but a man who is eight years older than I am using an emoji in every text message just really isn’t my jam. I kept the conversation pretty polite until he started really pushing for us to go out on a date, and the texts started to turn a little sexual.
Now, I am a 30-year-old adult and far from a Virgin Mary. But as a man who has never taken me out on a date before, who saw me twice in person on a flight, I’m not sure what gives you the right to sexualize our conversation or assume that you would ever be in the position to sleep with me.
I politely left the conversation, and he continued to blow up my texts for a couple of weeks, which I left ignored. Believe it or not, he’s actually gone back to trying to message me on LinkedIn, so I think it’s time that I finally just block this person.
I’m explaining all of this not to get sympathy or prove that there’s something wrong with dating in today’s generation. Instead, I wanna make the point that even the initial conversations you have with someone can be extremely emotionally draining. You’re still trying to figure out the dynamic and determine whether or not this is somebody you want to see in person or continue a conversation with. Protecting my peace has been one of the things that has changed my life over the last few years. And the moment that something disturbs that peace, I feel so out of sorts.
And just so I’m completely clear, I don’t necessarily think there’s anything wrong with a man expressing interest. But somewhere along the way, we’ve confused having access to someone’s social media with having access to their personal life.
I’ve always thought of myself as a pretty intuitive person. Usually, from a first conversation, I have a pretty good understanding of someone’s values. It’s both a blessing and a curse because I feel that it does not take me very long to text someone before I can also determine if this is somebody I could see myself talking to for an extended period of time.
And while a licensed professional might have a different take on the situation, I don’t necessarily think this is a bad quality to have. Life is all about energy exchanges, and dating is a huge one. Emotionally, physically, spiritually, when you try to build a life with somebody, you’re exchanging your energy back and forth the entire time. I think it’s important to fully be committed to the situation before you share this level of intimacy with anyone.
I think the challenge I’m still learning to navigate is recognizing the difference between someone disturbing my peace and someone simply asking me to make room for them in my life.
I’m not saying I am going to know for sure in the first three text messages when I do finally meet my husband (maybe). But I am saying it is important to really think about who you give your energy to. It’s okay not to respond. It’s okay to decline something without giving a reason. You are never obligated to give someone your time or energy.
What I will say, though, is that my future husband definitely does not use his phone for selfies and emojis. So at least we’re clear on that.
Everything else, we will navigate with time.
All my love,
Kaitlin
